degero miro claro

alone-ness

I just got back from a three day music festival, Coachella, which is in, Indio California. My dear friend invited me to go along with a group of people. They go every year, so they had everything all arranged. I have been aware of this festival for years, and I have always loved the idea of going. The first time I went was years ago. I intended to go for one of the three days. I was alone, and got sick (due to not having breakfast because I was excited and nervous, and the sun), and had to leave literally about 30 minutes after I had arrived. I was so in pain that the rest of the day was not worth it. I wasn’t going to be able to share any of the experience with anyone, and I was definitely going to be in pain. So I just left.

This time, I was actually able to arrange going without stress or confusion (because it was done for me by the people I was going with). I was able to prepare myself for the physical taxation that I was going to experience. It was still bad (to the point of having to sit with my head down for half an artist’s set one night, and constantly needing to sit down throughout the weekend in order to not become literally exhausted). But this time I was actually able to come out of the experience in a positive balance. It was exhausting, but I was able to share and experience all this music that I really enjoyed with people I enjoyed as well. So it was life, not just a physical trial.

Anyway, the reason I am explaining how hard it was for me to get through the weekend physically is because this is one of the things that stops me. I have issues with my body and my emotions that KEEP ME FROM BEING MYSELF. Physically, I can’t take a whole lot. You know when some one all of a sudden passes out? That basically can’t happen to me because can already feel so far ahead of that moment that I’m heading toward exhaustion (headache, nausea, light headedness, etc.), that I try to prevent myself from getting to that point. Emotionally, I am extremely self-conscious and I fear ridicule and ostracization. I get completely apprehensive about what I’m about to say, or wondering what a new person is like and how they will perceive me. I’m aware that they will perceive me, and it makes me think, how should I act around this person? This is not necessary and tiring, especially for some one who is introverted.

These things are stopping me. This past weekend at this music festival I had to specifically prepare myself to be in pain for about half the time. I also knew I really wanted to enjoy the bands I was going to see, and for me that means dancing and singing lyrics if I know them. I love dancing so much, but am usually to self-conscious to do it, so I told myself this weekend I just need to let go. And it was pretty good. I would say I was 85-90% dancing freely.

Anyway, it’s getting late(r) and I’m really tired. The point I wanted to make is that I have to keep working on myself or I will never get to do these things that I want to do. I should be going to music festivals, and meeting new people, and being more involved in music (just personally for me, no professional ambitions). I am home now, everyone from the weekend has disbanded. I was sort of taking a vacation and living life almost vicariously through the people I was with this weekend. And now I feel so lonely and isolated. Not much to come home to. Why don’t I have my own version of this life that I don’t need to experience vicariously? And I worry that I won’t be able to keep this feeling, and remember that I MUST change. I just want to be the person that I am, and to not feel lonely anymore, and to have a life that I feel right in.