degero miro claro

I have thought to myself before, that since I got to my last semester in undergrad at USC, I felt like my life almost completely changes every 3 months or so.
Things used to change or go and it was really hard for me. Change usually means losing some facet of comfort and something that was bringing me good feelings. I have moved 6 times in the past 7 years, never because I intended to, except for one of those times early on. I have had a few close friends, half of which are gone or I don’t see anymore, or I’m not friends with. I was a student at USC for 4 years and the past 3 have had a couple jobs. I have had periods where I spent my hang out time with different groups of people over the years, and almost had some semblance of life, but not quite.
Smells change, the light changes throughout the day and in the seasons, and changes depending on where you’re spending your days. My mood changes, my activities change depending on my mood and who’s around or what occasional upcoming concert or birthday party I have to go to.

Lately I have been spending a lot of time alone. Not much to do after work and I’m tired. Not really anything to do on the weekends, but I go to yoga and try to practice music, watch tv or read a lot. Not many people I really feel on the same wavelength with. Being stuck alone has always really bothered me, but lately I am just feeling apathetic and am just happy to be away from work during the night and weekend and have peace. On one hand I’m very happy that I’ve finally kind of hit that point with myself where I can let go of constantly wishing I’d find soul mates. On the other hand it’s kind of not good because it’s nothing. If I don’t try to find people and things I’ll really live for, then I’ll never find them. But for now, getting used to the letting go is good.

I’ve just been thinking a lot lately about how people and our culture are about life, and all this stuff you’re supposed to do and have and all this stuff you set up for your life. It’s all so dependent upon a long, hard to control chain of events that requires unflagging ambition. I feel like I’m not made for that. I have really been realizing lately how much things change, how it’s always happening, and how – not to sound morbid – but one day I’ll be dead. We’ll be dead. This will all be different and there will be other people around.
I have been very worried about finding love and friends. But on the other hand sometimes I feel like everything is so complex, the odds are so low that I could find love, and add the fact that it may and will change eventually… Sometimes I get little flashes of “Who cares!” even though the only thing I’ve desperately wanted since I was 13 is to love a guy I had a thing for and for the guy I love to want me back. Still hasn’t truly happened yet. But I worry about what I want. My biggest paranoia is that I will totally get over every guy I ever date. That even if I start out being insanely in love with the guy I’ll eventually be familiar, and be curious of the other guys out there. I worry that I may never be able to commit to marriage even though I want to. And yet, I don’t even know myself that well having only had one relationship, and having never been in love. Things change. You can’t guarantee how you’ll feel 20 years from now, and I don’t believe in keeping up pretenses if people aren’t really happy. The whole ordeal scares me, but I would love it if I actually could find some one I felt inspired by and comfortable with enough to have the security of never being completely alone ever again. That would be great, no? It is possible for me….? Ugh, I’ll have to go through a lot of shit to find out.

So yeah, things are gonna keep moving. On one hand I’m so afraid to die – there was an earthquake a few months ago and I was on the 25th floor at work and truly and upsettingly realized that I am really not ready to die, not finished yet. On the other hand, I’ve wanted to be retired since I was 16 and the end of the day is usually my favorite part of it (well weekdays anyhow).

Some people I know are on tours right now, playing concerts. I’m jealous, you don’t have to ponder these things. Just wake up, drive, play, drink, sleep, repeat. Simple, direct, and hopefully fulfilling. I would feel so at peace with a routine like that.

GOODNIGHT NEVERLAND!