depressed again

June 26, 2008 at 12:19 am | In personal | 3 Comments

I kind of get depressed in waves. Something kind of nice will happen, or I will have more things to do with friends or things that I care about and I will feel happier and more motivated and less lonely about my life. Then that goes away and I feel lonely and impotent and off beat and like I don’t have the right qualities and energy to change my life. This is not an even balance of states. I would say I’m depressed 75-80% of the time and happier and hopeful/motivated 20% of the time.

I have been trying for a long time to get better at making friends and being myself and trying to find people who I really feel on the same wavelength as. I’m the type of person who really appreciates being able to be around people who like the same things as I do and think similarly to the way I think, mainly because I never find people who think the way I do or really like things in the way that I like them. I can’t be sure if that’s accurate, but that’s what it feels like.

It makes me so sad that I’ve lived in Los Angeles for 7 years and I basically have only a couple good friends. And I can’t seem to find anyone I feel comfortable with who likes to dance to the same music I do and who thinks about life and society in the same way I do. I’m picky and shy, and I’m suffering for it. The shy part I can work on, but the picky part I cant. I want what I want. If I don’t want it….then I don’t want it. I don’t want to force myself to want things I don’t, that’s a half-life.

Anyway, it’s way past my bedtime. I don’t know what I’m gonna try to do to change my life this weekend. Critical mass, which it’s hard for me to try to talk to people at, most people are there in groups and it’s uncomfortable for me, but I will try. Besides that, I don’t have any other options so far. Nothing will be different next week. I don’t know how to make it different. It’s like it’s 18% effort, 82% chance and circumstance.

I have to keep trying, but I don’t want to be depressed. I’m sad.

the way it gets warm

June 17, 2008 at 9:32 pm | In personal, sensualism | Leave a Comment

One of my most favorite things in this existence, on this planet, is when night time gets warm. I love – I’m using the word love here, about temperature – I LOVE to the core of my soul how when summer arrives, night time becomes an unreal time in which I am completely and totally comfortable.

This, of course, is only referring to being outside at night, but man, when it’s been like 90 during the day, 95 degrees F, and it turns to 70’s when the sun goes down… and like that, I’m totally comfortable. No bright sun to give me a migraine, no intense high heat temperature. Just a relaxing 70-something and the night sky.

It also has an incredible surreal quality for me, because in any other season in California but summer, and I almost always cold. A little too cool, or freezing, but I am always cold. And the height of summer in the day – much too hot. Sickening. “The sun makes me dizzy, the sun makes me sick…” Veruca Salt said. But those nights. I can walk outside wearing whatever I want, and I am physically at peace. No tight muscles, no distractions, no fidgeting. I just relax. And it feels unreal and special. And I love it.

priorities

June 17, 2008 at 5:37 pm | In social critic | Leave a Comment

Let me start off this entry with a little disclaimer. I am gonna try to do this in a hurry cause I want to make dinner and go to a friend’s house to watch the Lakers game. It has also been a couple days since I read the article below, so my comments may be a little broad and sweeping, which I am not a fan of, but I can never seem to get blogging, so OH WELL here comes my opinion!

 

I read this article on Yahoo news while on my break at work the other day. It talks about women-democrat’s disapointment with Hillary not getting the democratic nomination. The article starts with:

“… lifetime Democrats who spurned him for Hillary Rodham Clinton in the primaries and now are threatening to stay home or even vote for Republican John McCain in November.”

I don’t know how this sounds to you, but to me it sounds absolutely selfish and immature. The next paragraph does mention that women who are older and have really felt discrimination in the past found the loss painful since it was likely the last chance they had to see a woman president in their lifetimes. I can definitely understand that. It would be disappointing to see such an important change you are personally attached to, not become a reality. But I hope this article was looking to be a little melodramatic.

The idea that anyone would use their VOTE, their vote that is needed to try and get out country’s government in the best direction it can find for all it’s people, to express their sadness or discontent about something by making a decision with this vote that they normally would not at all, I don’t understand. Why would you say, “Oh, well a woman can’t be the democratic president I want…fine then I’m going to vote for some one who has ideals completely different than my own!” It’s just not wise.

I’m sure the article was just being sensationalist, but this is why most of the time I don’t understand feminism, or any ism for that matter.

I consider myself a feminist, I think most people are wether they consider themselves one or not. But  don’t understand this idea of abandoning logic and reason to make a very flat point. I don’t have any doubt that one day, who knows when, but one day a woman will be president. And also, I’m sure most black people in America would have been equally disappointed about the idea of a black person not getting the nomination.

It is not about race, or gender (not that issues regarding those things aren’t incredibly important to our culture), it is about life, and finding a happy medium that can make a good life possible for all the people that live in this country. I don’t care who the president is as long as they understand that.

 

The article. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080604/ap_on_el_pr/obama_angry_women

i hate being depressed

June 15, 2008 at 7:10 am | In personal | Leave a Comment

Okay. I’m gonna try to write about a couple articles and things I have today. Lets see how I do.

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