i need to start a new blog. this was much too grand an endeavor.
February 15, 2011 at 7:42 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment’nuff said.
you’re not safe and nothing will ever be okay
October 18, 2010 at 1:04 pm | Posted in personal, philosophizing | Leave a commentOne of my biggest fears is that one day some one will come and take me away and lock me up, or have me executed, for no real reason. As in: I will be minding my own business, doing everything just fine, not damaging anyone’s life or property, and some power will decide that they don’t want me or people like me (whatever parameters that would include) to exist and our lives are going to be stopped.
Thank god that the chances of this happening are very very slim. Unfortunately, it still bothers me because it is very POSSIBLE. We do not really live in a civilization (in the sense of the word implying politeness or civil virtue and advance development). We have modern technology and conveniences, and we can communicate across the globe and very quickly, but very few systems that have been created for a society’s civilization actually work. And at different points and different times (relatively often) it will happen that an individual has to bear the result of the holes in the plans we are using for our systems.
What I always find really disturbing is that there hasn’t been more of an overwhelming and powerful (powerful by the number of people, and including people in positions of power in governments, corporation, etc.) shift in culture that demands that we actually figure out how the fuck to run things. There are so many scientists, and so much technology, and theorists, economists, engineers, leaders, and money/resources out there, I really don’t understand why SOME ONE, some politician, or head of some company, or random billionaire, hasn’t said, “You know, we could probably figure out how to make this all actually work. There are many areas that no one has explored where we could create efficiency, sustainability, jobs, and other byproducts that benefit human life/society. Let’s focus a lot of money and energy on figuring this out!”
But no. A lot of people are un-empathetic, short-sighted, selfish children.
So some individual will end up having to deal with the side effects of that, which may ruin them. We’re still in a survival environment, only instead of direct (finding food, running from predators) it’s now indirect (competing for limited jobs, trying to last through an illness if you can’t afford health insurance).
having a family
October 9, 2010 at 1:21 pm | Posted in personal, philosophizing | Leave a commenthappier people: Life, oh life! I would like to have kids!
sadder/frustrated people: Why would I want to put anyone else through this (life)?
this is so frustrating/scary!
September 7, 2010 at 10:23 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a commentI’m free right now. I don’t want to give up my freedom! I haven’t been able to become myself because I got off on the wrong start. Now I keep getting interrupted by necessities. I don’t want to give up my freedom. I want to be able to become something now. But there isn’t enough time, money, or guarantee of it actually working.
This is excruciating. I love freedom.
May we one day figure out how to make everyone as free as is humanly possible!!
sense & sensibility
May 22, 2010 at 3:54 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Commentcontrolled despair
is that my new thing?
is this the only way I’ll be able to get along?
intense?
will I ever be capable to help save the world?
controlled despair?
I guess that’s what everyone else is doing.
Find the/a/your way.
can’t find nothing no way to touch
May 6, 2010 at 9:25 pm | Posted in personal | Leave a commentI want to —— so bad I could —– —–. But I’m not ——-, and I don’t have anyone I ——, so I can’t —— without fear or aprehension. So I won’t.
I suffocate. le sigh.
the line
April 25, 2010 at 9:19 pm | Posted in personal, philosophizing, sensualism | Leave a commentSeeing makes you feel. You see lines, and lines have movement. The way they move makes you feel something specific emotionally. Not an emotion, but a sense of the energy that’s there and what it means and intends. Each person feels differently the lines they see.
some of my favorite lines:
the jawbone
lash line of the upper eyelid
guitar body
long bridges of greek-type noses
road-bike frame
arch of the foot
the moon at crescent phase with visible outline of the full moon
alone-ness
April 19, 2010 at 4:53 am | Posted in personal | 2 CommentsI just got back from a three day music festival, Coachella, which is in, Indio California. My dear friend invited me to go along with a group of people. They go every year, so they had everything all arranged. I have been aware of this festival for years, and I have always loved the idea of going. The first time I went was years ago. I intended to go for one of the three days. I was alone, and got sick (due to not having breakfast because I was excited and nervous, and the sun), and had to leave literally about 30 minutes after I had arrived. I was so in pain that the rest of the day was not worth it. I wasn’t going to be able to share any of the experience with anyone, and I was definitely going to be in pain. So I just left.
This time, I was actually able to arrange going without stress or confusion (because it was done for me by the people I was going with). I was able to prepare myself for the physical taxation that I was going to experience. It was still bad (to the point of having to sit with my head down for half an artist’s set one night, and constantly needing to sit down throughout the weekend in order to not become literally exhausted). But this time I was actually able to come out of the experience in a positive balance. It was exhausting, but I was able to share and experience all this music that I really enjoyed with people I enjoyed as well. So it was life, not just a physical trial.
Anyway, the reason I am explaining how hard it was for me to get through the weekend physically is because this is one of the things that stops me. I have issues with my body and my emotions that KEEP ME FROM BEING MYSELF. Physically, I can’t take a whole lot. You know when some one all of a sudden passes out? That basically can’t happen to me because can already feel so far ahead of that moment that I’m heading toward exhaustion (headache, nausea, light headedness, etc.), that I try to prevent myself from getting to that point. Emotionally, I am extremely self-conscious and I fear ridicule and ostracization. I get completely apprehensive about what I’m about to say, or wondering what a new person is like and how they will perceive me. I’m aware that they will perceive me, and it makes me think, how should I act around this person? This is not necessary and tiring, especially for some one who is introverted.
These things are stopping me. This past weekend at this music festival I had to specifically prepare myself to be in pain for about half the time. I also knew I really wanted to enjoy the bands I was going to see, and for me that means dancing and singing lyrics if I know them. I love dancing so much, but am usually to self-conscious to do it, so I told myself this weekend I just need to let go. And it was pretty good. I would say I was 85-90% dancing freely.
Anyway, it’s getting late(r) and I’m really tired. The point I wanted to make is that I have to keep working on myself or I will never get to do these things that I want to do. I should be going to music festivals, and meeting new people, and being more involved in music (just personally for me, no professional ambitions). I am home now, everyone from the weekend has disbanded. I was sort of taking a vacation and living life almost vicariously through the people I was with this weekend. And now I feel so lonely and isolated. Not much to come home to. Why don’t I have my own version of this life that I don’t need to experience vicariously? And I worry that I won’t be able to keep this feeling, and remember that I MUST change. I just want to be the person that I am, and to not feel lonely anymore, and to have a life that I feel right in.
the thousand thoughts of this evening
January 27, 2010 at 3:02 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 CommentI wish I could do posts like this regularly, but i’m always extremely tired once I get home for the day/night, and promptly fall sleep. Anyway,
I went to see the band Haim play tonight at the Echo in Echo Park/Los Angeles. The thousand thoughts of this evening:
-Shit it’s cold.
-Stand up straight, Gabe. Relax.
-How fortunate am I, friends are here!
-[inside] It’s so loud and dark. I can’t see/think/hear clearly.
-Several people here that I know and like, and I don’t really belong to any of them. Hard to navigate socializing cause I want to see/talk to them all.
-Small world. Excited for Haim/ to say hey to the people in Haim.
-Shit, it’s cold outside. But sitting under this heat lamp is totally working.
-I know really nice/cool people.
-This band is talented/sounds good, but not so much my style (Olin & the Moon).
-It’s too dark in here, I can’t tell if any of the guys here are hot!
-They’ve got vegan and regular brownies back there?! Are they clearly marked?
-I really love that this guy has always really wanted to sing this song and he is going to do that right now!!
-Cold back outside, still haven’t seen one friend, but glad I’m catching up with another I haven’t seen in a while.
-Am I supposed to move to New York?
-I don’t want to play Bingo in the dark, I can barely see/hear what’s going on!
-I should have a drink or something so that I will actually DANCE during Haim’s set because that is what I really want to do.
-Haim! Great beats. Awesome songs. Dancing a bit.
-I LOVE THIS SONG!
-I hope people start to dance!
-I love music, and I get very specific moods/feelings/personalities from different music. Transcendence. I feel real in situations like this, it has everything to do with everything. No one understands this. Well, I’m sure many people understand this. Who are they so I can know them?
-I am supposed to be a musician. I can’t stand that I cannot cultivate this the way my life is going.
-Maybe moving to New York isn’t going to help. Maybe I am just supposed to stay here, quit my job, jump off the cliff, try to make music and find some part-time way to support myself so I’ll be okay, and the people who can help me nurture being publicly musical are right here.
-I am so confounded. I think moving to New York will be really good for me, and for trying to reset.
-This is the point. What beautiful/awesome sounds.
-I don’t want to go to, or be, at the office doing my work tomorrow.
-Group drumming! Excellent!
-Shows over. Back to “reality”.
-And in reality I’m alone. Need to find everyone to say goodbye to so I can get home and go to bed.
-I can’t believe I’m not different. It feels like I’m not on the track, I’ve missed where I’m supposed to be, and I have no idea of how to find it again.
-I’m pretty good at socializing sometimes.
-I really appreciate knowing creative and talented people.
- Okay, all done. You can go now, time for bed.
-Shit it’s cold!! I’m really tired.
-I want to make music! I don’t have time!
- [on the way home]I know.
-Right now in my life, I feel like I’m not ever going to be able to really be myself and be fulfilled. And that makes me so sad and makes me feel dispair. But, I have a lot going for me, so I will try to use that as motivation to change to the way I want to be.
-I must go on.
-Thank god I have a trusty, working car and that this show wasn’t that far away from my house.
-Woah, those girls trying to cross the street must be extremely wasted! (at intersection at the Vista. emphasis on TRYING. they didn’t even make it across the street!)
-Fuck, it’s 1am.
-Home, okay, gotta… do stuff and get ready for bed as quickly as possible.
-[after getting ready for bed, etc, and posting this blog entry] I am only going to get 4 hours of sleep tonight. I am going to feel like shit/feel exhausted and sick in the morning and not get enough done during the workday tomorrow. I’ll go to sleep very early tomorrow night so I can get some rest.
-My head hurts.
-Goodnight Neverland!
when you think enough about it all
July 27, 2009 at 8:24 pm | Posted in personal, philosophizing | Leave a commenti almost can’t relate to anything anymore.
Blog at WordPress.com. | Theme: Pool by Borja Fernandez.
Entries and comments feeds.
